Whale, Liar, Manipulator: How to Tell the Difference & Protect Yourself

Content Note: This article discusses emotional manipulation, coercion, and abuse. Please take care while reading.

This article was inspired by a wonderful client who shared a genuine concern.

“How do the sweet, smart women in this industry manage to avoid being manipulated or taken advantage of?”

The truth is, that this work demands a delicate balance of compassion and grit. Some enter the industry already having mastered that balance. Others, like myself, have to learn it the hard way.

I’m writing this with one simple hope: that it helps someone recognize the red flags before they’re too deep. It saves even one person from the harm, dysregulation, and wasted time that can come from falling for the well-practiced tactics of a master manipulator.

No one is immune. All it takes is the right cocktail of circumstances and someone with bad intent. Ironically, the more we believe we’re too smart, or too experienced, the more likely we are to miss the signs.

How do they Manipulate?

We’ve all heard the fantasy, that movie trope of the generous client who sweeps you off your feet, funds your dreams, and maybe even your future.

But what happens when Prince Charming’s castle turns out to be a gilded cage?

STEP 1: He Comes On Fast, Big, and Intense

It usually starts like a dream.

They see you, really see you. They think you are special. They ask about your goals, your past, your hustle. They admire your independence, your strength, your vision. And then they offer to help.

You think, finally. Someone who gets it. Someone who sees how hard you’ve worked and wants to invest in you, not just take from you.

But manipulators don’t offer support. They bait you with it.

We all like to believe we’d spot a love bomber from a mile away. But the truth is, our ego can be a liability, especially when someone gains access to our most intimate details.

They find what you crave most, and wrap themselves in it. Safety. Reassurance. Validation. Control. Whether you're coming out of grief, chaos, burnout, or just a long dry spell, they spot the opening and rush in to fill it.

Fast. Intense. Disorienting.

And before you even realize what’s happening, the fantasy has become a tether.

🖤 Story Time:

When I first started working at an agency, I became a top girl almost immediately. I was booked solid from the moment I began until my shift ended, and I would’ve worked even more if I could. I had lived with so little for so long, and I was done with that life. I had savings goals, and I was fully prepared to run myself into the ground to reach them.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I hit my first burnout hard. I was getting sick constantly, dragging myself through shifts, and slowly losing my ability to hold boundaries as exhaustion took over. I had built a small nest egg by then, but if you’ve ever lived with scarcity, you know how deeply it wires you to believe everything could disappear at any moment. I hadn’t even had time to process that I’d jumped several income brackets in a matter of months.

That’s when he showed up.

I was the first person he saw after deciding he no longer wanted to honor monogamy in his marriage. And I was the first sexually liberated woman he had ever been with.

He became obsessed.

At the time, I thought I’d scored. Isn’t that the dream? A rich man who can’t get enough of you. He came in every day I worked and paid me double, just because.

But what I didn’t understand then, what I know now, is that people with immense money and power tend to get there for a reason. There’s often a deep, gnawing hunger for ego and control. A void they try to fill with money, ownership, and dominance. But that kind of emptiness? It doesn’t shrink. It spreads.

I believe he saw something in me that he missed out on in his youth, something he couldn’t buy, but desperately wanted to possess. And even though he could book me, he resented the fact that he couldn’t have me.

Then he started seeing my cracks. I was tired. I wanted safety. He saw what I needed and swooped in.

At first, it was subtle. Relief from the constant exposure to germs, to uncomfortable clients, to long hours. Then it escalated: a luxury condo. An unlimited credit card. Lavish gifts.

If someone did that now, I’d meet it with deep caution. I’m not a cynic, but I do have a more realistic view of the world: very little comes without strings. You’re rarely so special someone wants to sweep you off your feet with no agenda, especially so early on into knowing you.

There are truly generous people out there, some of you might be reading this right now. But if you walk into situations like this without skepticism, if you're ready to hand over your trust, time, and autonomy just because someone waves money in your face, you’re putting yourself in a dangerously vulnerable position.

STEP 2: The Isolation Begins

Once you’re hooked, once they’ve dazzled you with attention, gifts, and promises, the next step is almost always isolation.

But it rarely starts with anything obvious. It’s not, “Don’t see your friends anymore.” 

It’s quieter than that. Softer. Easy to excuse if you’re not paying attention.

They begin by planting small, insidious doubts:

“Your friends don’t get you.”

"I just want more time with you.”

“That agency you work for? They’re not good for you.”

“You don’t need them. You’re better than that.”

They want you all to themselves, but they frame it as love.

At first, it sounds like encouragement. Like someone who believes in your potential. But what they’re doing is cutting you off from anything that gives you power outside of them.

Anyone who might question their influence becomes a problem that needs to be pushed out. And the more isolated you are, emotionally, socially, and professionally, the more dependent you become. On their approval. Their stability. Even their version of reality.

🖤 Story Time

He wanted me to commit, completely. To give up my cheap little rental and move into the luxury condo he bought for me. To stop working altogether. To only see him.

Even though I was offered more than I had ever had before, I couldn’t bring myself to fully rely on someone. That resistance was half the reason I entered this industry in the first place. A deep aversion to authority and anyone trying to control what I do.

I negotiated. I proposed a three-month trial: I’d sublet my place, take a leave from work, and reassess when the time was up. At the time, I thought I was just being avoidant. I’ve often criticized myself for my fear of commitment. But now, I see it as one of the most important instincts I’ve ever had. That hesitation has saved me more times than I can count.  And although I did not leave this without injury, I could have been in a far worse place.

Still, the pressure came in waves.

He criticized me anytime I spent time with friends, especially the ones still in the industry. At that point, and amidst the COVID lockdown they were the only community I had in Victoria. He had moved me down from up island, away from everyone I knew.

He kept pushing me to quit the agency I worked for. Telling me I had so much potential. I should pursue the career I studied for. It seemed like good intentions but in reality, he wanted me cut off from it all.

And slowly, he began to dominate every corner of my life. Every spare moment he had, he spent with me. Weekends, evenings…. gone. And the rest of my time? He convinced me to get a full-time remote job, to finally become a  “normal” person. It would keep me home. Alone. In the condo.

Looking back now, I see it for what it was: a slow, calculated erasure of my independence. Each step was designed to isolate me further. To remove my support systems. To keep me tired, small, and dependent.

And it worked, for a while.

STEP 3: Future-Fake with False Promises & Manufactured Crises to Deregulate

Once they’ve isolated you, the next step is to keep you off balance, and the most effective tools for that are false promises and manufactured chaos.

They dangle the future in front of you.

“Let’s get a place together.”

“I want to support your business.”

“You deserve the world, I want to give it to you.”

But when it’s time to follow through? Something always comes up.

A crisis. A financial hiccup. A personal tragedy.

“Now’s not a good time.”

“I need you to be patient.”

“You don’t understand how much pressure I’m under.”

These constant ups and downs aren’t accidental. They’re designed to disregulate you, to keep you emotionally scrambled so you’re more focused on their changing moods than your own unmet needs. One minute they’re promising you the life of your dreams, and the next they’re falling apart, and making it your problem.

When someone keeps saying “soon” but delivering “not now,” what they’re doing is keeping you waiting in a state of emotional debt.

🖤 Story Time

I had dreams that went far beyond just working and saving. My goal had always been to build enough stability to launch my photography business and to finally create a clean, safe home for myself.

He knew that.

He’d take me to camera stores, showing me the newest, most expensive gear, but we never walked out with anything.

Then, when things escalated and his wife kicked him out, he shifted tactics, this time, it was real estate. He started sending listings. Not just any homes, but, places that resonated with the ideal future I wanted. Then we started going to viewings together.

I had moved four times in four years. I was tired. The idea of homemaking felt like a dream finally within reach. Something to build. Somewhere to land.

But every time we got close to a decision, something would happen. A mysterious financial complication. A change of plans. An excuse.

Looking back, it was never about building a life together. It was about keeping me dreaming because dreaming people stay patient. And patience, in the hands of a manipulator, is just prolonged submission.

STEP 4: Loop Back to Lovebomb or Threaten Withdrawal

Once they’ve isolated you, sold you on a future, and kept you emotionally off-balance with chaos and control, what’s left?

The loop.

They either flood you with affection again, or they pull away and make you chase the version of them they dangled at the start. And by this point? You’re conditioned.

Tired. Attached. Hopeful.

This is the part where many people get stuck because the manipulator begins flipping between two extremes:

1. The return of Prince Charming. They apologize. Take you shopping. Book a vacation. Shower you with praise. Suddenly the future plans are back on track.

2. The threat of disappearance. If the lovebomb doesn’t work, they’ll try the opposite. Coldness. Distance. Guilt.

It becomes a game of push and pull, affection and abandonment. And because they’ve positioned themselves as your source of safety, validation, and survival, the threat of losing them doesn’t feel like heartbreak. It feels like collapse.

That’s what makes the cycle so brutal. They don’t need to trap you. They just need to train you.

🖤 Story Time

And then came the worst part.

After the fights, the dysregulation, after I’d start to pull away, suddenly, things would be good again. The warmth would return. He’d soften. Apologize.

He took me shopping for a beautiful promise ring at the Empress. Booked a luxurious ski vacation in Whistler. Said everything I needed to hear.

One day, he did buy me the Sony Alpha camera I’d been dreaming of. I was finally getting used to it, playing with the settings, feeling that spark come back. For a moment, I thought, maybe this time it’s real.

But of course, it wasn’t.

The moment I “misbehaved,” the narrative changed.“That’s not your camera,” he said. “I just let you try it to see if you wanted to get one for yourself.”

It was never a gift. It was bait.

He gave just enough to keep me close, but always with a string attached.

Leaving

Getting out of a cycle like this isn’t easy. And it’s not because you’re weak, it’s because the abuser is doing everything in their power to make it feel impossible.

By the time you’re thinking about leaving, they’ve likely isolated you, confused you, and made you question your instincts. But eventually, the cycles get shorter. The tactics start to repeat. The mask begins to slip. And you start to see it for what it is.

When you do leave, they won’t make it easy. Like an angry child having their favorite toy taken away, they lash out.

🖤 Story Time

And that’s exactly what he did.

The calls started, endless, from different numbers, threatening me. He made sure to become every friend I had’s new “best” client as if to remind me I couldn’t escape him socially or professionally.

In some instances, he even chased me down the street when he saw me.

Scary stuff. And shockingly immature behavior from a man in his middle age, running a very successful, very professional business.

But that’s the thing about people like this: the power, the polish, the charm, it’s all performance. And when the stage crumbles, so does the illusion.

This was an incredibly hard lesson to learn, but not all bad came from it. That person, without meaning to, propelled me forward into working independently. After I finally got away, I felt angry that the only time I had experienced that lifestyle was because of him, and I didn’t want that to be my story.

I worked incredibly hard, in spite of him, and now I make significantly more than he ever gave me. I can afford the lifestyle he dangled in front of me, without the manipulation, the abuse, or having to kiss up to any man with an ego problem.

Now, I get to live comfortably, happily, and on my own terms, seeing some of the most wonderful, genuine, good-hearted people. And that, more than anything, is mine.

When You're Most Vulnerable to Manipulation?

Manipulators don’t strike when you’re at your strongest, they wait until you’re stretched thin, cracked open, or quietly aching for something. Then they slide in.

Here are the moments you’re most likely to get caught:

1. Right After a Breakup or Major Loss

2. When You're Isolated — Emotionally or Geographically

3. During Burnout or Exhaustion

4. When You’re Financially Vulnerable

5. If You’re New to an Industry or Community

6. During a Major Life Transition 

7. When You're Craving Validation or Purpose

8. When You're Ignoring Your Own Gut

So How Do Protect Yourself?

1. Stay Financially Independent

Do not let someone else become your lifeline. Generosity is a bonus, not your backbone.

• Cover your basics with your own income.

• Don’t scale your lifestyle too quickly.

• Keep an emergency stash and work on building your savings.

  
  

2. Know Your Limits — and Honour Them

Burnout is a manipulator’s playground.

• Learn the signs: irritability, numbness, fog, disconnection.

• Reprogram your beliefs of success and the need to be constantly doing things.

• Regulated nervous systems are harder to manipulate.

  
  

3. Check Your Ego

Thinking you’re too smart to get played? That’s exactly how you get played.

• Intelligence can breed arrogance which can leave you with blindspots.

• The more seasoned you are, the more blind spots you might ignore.

• Run the situation by someone you trust. Actually, listen.

  
  

4. Don’t Let Yourself Get Isolated

Cutting off every voice that challenges you? You might be silencing the ones trying to save you.

• Isolation is control. Period.

• A healthy support system isn’t there to ruin your fun, it’s there to help you dodge the bullet before it’s buried in your chest.

  
  

Final Words

If this story hits close to home, take a breath. You’re not naive. You’re not broken. You’re not stupid for falling for something that looked like love, safety, or salvation.

You were targeted because you’re bright, sensitive, open, and capable of deep connection.

And people who feed off power are drawn to light they can’t generate on their own.

You don’t need to be cold to stay safe. You don’t need to be cynical to be wise. You just need to be grounded enough in your worth that no one gets to define it for you, not with gifts, not with promises, not with power. Recognize you can give yourself everything you need. And it is going to feel a lot better when you do.

Keep your people close. Keep your eyes open. Keep your standards high.

And if someone walks in trying to make you forget who you are? Remind them. Or show them the door.